Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone is always doing laundry

*changes name to laundry

the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:

1. if they stop swimming

2. if they accidentally eat a grenade

if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you

Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

Hey neighbor…

Hope you…

Don’t mind…

Me borrowing…

Your…

Trampoline…

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.

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People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”