Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Body: it’s sleepy time.

Brain: it’s thinky time.

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.

And that about sums it up.

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.