Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

I support this random dude and all his protests

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one, the dead body one

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*

[first time skydiving]

Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*

Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet

Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please