Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call

I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?

Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!

Her: really?

Me: nah, you do look tired though.

I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”

*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*

Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.

The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.

[napping on couch]

Son: wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok i’ll be the cops.

Son: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Son: why not?

Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.

Son: oh.

Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.

when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*

Me:…

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

We need more people like this.

every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*