Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

*at 5’s “restaurant”*

5: What can I get for you?

Me: Tacos.

5: We’re not Italian.

Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.

5: We’re Mexican.

Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?

5: We don’t have tacos.

I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?