Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
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They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
Facebook Twitter
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
😏😏😏
I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.