@3sunzzz

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

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@Storminika

Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn’t good enough on Idols, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.

@click4amanda

Officer: “Do you know why I’m standing here?”
Me: “You got all C’s in High School?”

@iLikeCatShirts

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

@truegritrumble

PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY

@internetluke

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*

@mydmac

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

@good_one_rick

My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy

@aotakeo

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

@BlueOnBlack72

20 comes over, obviously she’s been crying.
M: *hugs her tight* Oh baby, have you and Jon been fighting?
20: *sniffles* No.
M: Then what’s wrong?
20: They’re taking “Friends” off Netflix and I’m sad.
M: So no one told you life was gonna be this way?
20: I’m going to Mom’s.