Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn’t good enough on Idols, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
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Officer: “Do you know why I’m standing here?”
Me: “You got all C’s in High School?”
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
20 comes over, obviously she’s been crying.
M: *hugs her tight* Oh baby, have you and Jon been fighting?
20: *sniffles* No.
M: Then what’s wrong?
20: They’re taking “Friends” off Netflix and I’m sad.
M: So no one told you life was gonna be this way?
20: I’m going to Mom’s.
It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.