Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
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TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them