Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
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Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
When someone trying to leave me
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
incredible google review i just found
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Waiting for the Charmin
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table