Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
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You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
that wasn’t the question
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜