Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
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I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Happy Thanksgiving
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.