Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”

The Sun’s probably Asian.

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.

I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head

I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.

I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

Said the murderer.

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket