Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

For real 🤣

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried

“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight

Toddler: goodnight

Me: *shuts bedroom door*

Toddler: *behind me* hi

Me: how did you…

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*