Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
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i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
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🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
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Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
the short answer to this question
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem