Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
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[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.