Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
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It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
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My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.