Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
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10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Science memes
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.