Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
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When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
The struggle is real
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
philosophical skeletons be like
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Who knew!
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.