Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
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I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
My love language is deader than Latin
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
🍞🦆
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.