Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
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TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant