Every time my phone rings
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As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane