Every time my phone rings
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Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere