Every time my phone rings
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Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine