Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.

[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”

When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage

Me: Go to school!

9yr Old: It’s Sunday.

Me: Go to church!

9yr Old: I’m Jewish.

Me: Convert!

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

[second date]

“April Fools”

*gets up and leaves

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics

there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

problems i need

Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.

Going into Monday like

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two