Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision

Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?

me: I guess me

hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you

me: that feels like even more reason to tell me

Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?

#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.

A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone

I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.