Every time my phone rings
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Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.