Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
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me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.