Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
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In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.