@Storminika

Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn’t good enough on Idols, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.

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@david8hughes

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

@nachdermas

gonna take up jogging again, not to be healthier but to increase my chances of being murdered in the woods

@squirrel74wkgn

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

@SirEviscerate

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON

@blade_funner

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

@ohheyohhihello

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

@LanaAllende

Pretty disappointed that Shakespeare’s Hamlet didn’t turn out to be the story of a delicious tiny ham.

@LauraFred

You know what’s fucked? As people keep going out and acting like covid isn’t a big deal, my nurse friends and I (in our 20s) are contemplating whether it’s time to get our wills drawn up. Because we know not all of us will make it. Hope you had fun at the beach, Karen.

@ghostkrogh

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

@spacej_me

Sorry you handed me your baby and I immediately put it in the garbage I thought that’s what we were doing.