Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress

ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work

[at my funeral]

boss : you’re LATE

“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”

me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes

my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.

My youngest is like a dog

She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.

Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou

*I’ve already changed his pants*

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.

[grocery shopping]

“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”

I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.