Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

my friends: omg how are you!

me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary

Glasses

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

Men: Remember that time…

Women: Yes

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

A family that plays together cheats.

oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife

What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.