Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

This sounds bad:

Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?

Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.

Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.

It’s like my therapist always says, that’ll be $175

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.

I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*

They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:

You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone