Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then