Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany

John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.

next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

Me, at front door: I’m going running

Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?

Me: It’s me!

Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that

Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.

Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator

How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.

I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

My boss told me to do something for myself today so I went home and installed a bidet.

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet

patient: well what does it actually say

doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying