Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
You Might Also Like
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve