Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.

I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

We get it, Aaron. You like vowels

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”

13: *walking into room*

Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.

13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*

Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?

Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]

“I just can’t help myself!”

—paramedic on his deathbed

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.

Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.