Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.

Encore…

Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.

Meet my wife, the dream killer.

i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh

This cat wants you to take your pills

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

Me: I’m smart!

Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!

Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal

More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.

Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.