Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
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Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
This could be us but you eatin’
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
i want to work in this restaurant
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.