Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
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Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
