Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
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Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
