Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
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Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
God has left this place
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?