Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
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sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.