every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
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Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
handsome & gretel
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.