Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*

SON OF A

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy

Me: it shows

Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

🤣

Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.

Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.

I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW

Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t