every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
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I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
That’s not how days work.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
make up your mind
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen