Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
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I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Just grow your own
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.