Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?

Her: Sparkling water.

1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

Overheard at the pool:

Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?

*long pause*

3 year old: a cat

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

I love you to the refrigerator and back

in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…

our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score

Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes

I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way

Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.