Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
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Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.