Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

Does your wife know you’re single?

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-

Wife: YES!

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.

Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!

Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.

Me: *opens my front door*

Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*

You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.