Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
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Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.