Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
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Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.
awkward
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Current mood: Potato
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.