Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
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I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
They’re on their honeymoon
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”