Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
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Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
i hate you platonically
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
🤣🤣
