Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
You Might Also Like
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.