Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
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Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!