Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
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There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I went from rags to one rag.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
WHO DID THIS?
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.