Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
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doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which