Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
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A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
“no gods no masters” = leo
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
😆this is so true
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Think I pulled my liver
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined