Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.

[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

It’s either five or nothing bro

– if wet wipes could talk

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

…u ok Nintendo?

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

Me: [puts dog food into dish]

My dog: eh I’m not hungry

[1 minute later]

Me: [opens package of cheese]

My dog: oh great I’m STARVING

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.

At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.