every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
You Might Also Like
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.