Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
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when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
life finds a way
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.