Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.

Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night

When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

“Rogue One” idea:

The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.

Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.

“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”

Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED

baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

Weaknesses.

Secret Panel HERE 💥

Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

“No way.” -Jose

When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

fourth time’s the charm

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember