@HeyJennyLeone: Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
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@sixfootcandy: Housekeeping: Ma'am, would you like me to turn down your bed? Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
@ThisOneSayz: Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!! He: I asked about the perfect date.
@Caissie: A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
@Faux_Ma: At my job interview today the Boss said, "You're shaking, don't be so nervous." So I told him, "Oh, I'm not nervous, I'm an alcoholic."