@HeyJennyLeone: Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
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@psybermonkey: [Dinner table] Son: no! I don't wanna! Me: you want to be like Popeye don't ya? Son: ...yeah Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
@ShortSleeveSuit: FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
@MikeDrucker: Stop saying "11/11/11" only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That's how time works.
@IamEnidColeslaw: rroses are red, violets are blue, Valentine's Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants