Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.

Namaste

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?

I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?

me: no, that’s a fence

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!

ABE LINCOLN: is that good

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.