Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.

Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work

When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.

If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.

~ Theresa May

[santa gently waking me] you live like this?

Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

me: what’s your favorite part of fall?

4: jumping in piles of leaves

me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?

4: money

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

I put the hot in psychotic.

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

[first day working at a bakery]

Customer: can I get a-

Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”

when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders

Untitled Goose Game (2019)

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke

-hearing my dog about to puke

Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.

Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies

At urgent care with my 8yo

Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.

😆

(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”