Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
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Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*