Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
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I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters