Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”

One Tree Hill in 2009:

I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”

She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”

Why?

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness

The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!

I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.