Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
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her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Do one person every day that scares you.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
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The 6 types of sex
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“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it