every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
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So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined