Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A candy baa

#DadJoke

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…

to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on

Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed

googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.

Me: *taking an art appreciation class*

Instructor: Please bring my students back

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning

OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.

chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.

me: oh cool thanks man.

chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.

me:

chipotle guy: so i can charge you.

me:

chipotle guy: for the guac.