Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

Emma is smarter than all of us.

Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please

Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!

T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

“I Got a new dress for date night!”

Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*

“This is the garment bag you idiot”

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.