Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
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best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.