Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
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Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”