Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
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I drew y’all a little something.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.